For Every Time I Didn't Tell You
by muselover75
Summary: Ally reacts to the horror on the morning of September 11th while remembering the good times she had with Tyler and hoping she gets the chance to make new ones.


It happened while I was making breakfast. I had just flipped the slice of French toast onto the other side to cook when we heard it. Aidan was talking to that girl on the phone, flirting up a storm when we looked at each other in mutual confusion. A deep v formed above my eyes; hysteria running through my veins.

"What the hell?" were the last words I remember Aidan saying, the phone still clutched to his ear. I turned off the burner on the stove and without a word to each other; I raced behind Aidan, up the stairs and onto the roof. I walked behind his now still form, his arm coming down from his ear, almost in slow motion at the horror. The building that you were supposed to be in was on fire. I knew instantly what it meant, what I saw, but I couldn't let my mind go there. My hands, almost in a trance-like state, came to cover my mouth as tears formed in my eyes. This couldn't be happening.

I wasn't raised in a religious household. I don't remember saying a prayer before my parents tucked me into bed when I was a child, nor did I ever go to church and sit in a pew on Sundays. It just wasn't my parents' way. But without a second thought, I quickly began praying. _Please do not be on that floor. Please be on your way home right now. Please. Please. Please. _I repeated in my head over and over, hoping that if there really was a God, He'd have spared you from the torture we were witnessing now.

I took in Aidan and the cell phone that was now at his feet. Apparently, it hit the ground with a sound I didn't hear, too consumed in my own thoughts and worries. I looked back to the tower that was being ravaged by fire. This was like the worst movie I had ever seen; the worst possible dream I could have dreamt. Then I witnessed something I never thought I'd see in my peripheral. Aidan. Bawling his eyes out. Your roommate, the one who changed women like underwear and hardly took anything seriously was bawling. He crossed his arms, unable to look away from where I was looking, too. I didn't know which floor your dad worked on and I certainly didn't want to know now. I would gladly be ignorant to that piece of information now.

Oh my God. Your dad. Was he there with you?

_Please _was all I could repeat in my mind, again and again, while unbearable scenarios began playing out in my head. Maybe you – maybe I – was lucky. Maybe there was something that held you up from getting to his office. Yeah, that could be. It was totally plausible that you hadn't even made your way to the tower when the explosion happened. You were probably witnessing this hellish morning exactly like Aidan and I were: from the outside looking in. Or maybe you had made it to your dad's office. You were probably walking down the stairs right now. You were probably walking down the stairs, your dad right behind you and you'd start the long walk home to this apartment. Aidan and I would be sitting on the couch, waiting for you and I'd run into your open arms the second you walked through the door and you'd hold me tight and kiss my hair and everything would be alright. Aidan would have wrapped his arms around you too, but he'd take to his grave the fact that he cried when we both thought the worse. I'd tease him about it later in front of you and call him something to the effect of a "little girl" or "softy" or something to embarrass the shit out of him. All would be right in the world.

And you and your dad would finally understand the big picture in life that I had been trying to get you both to see at dinner the first time you introduced us. You'd finally understand how precious life is and to not fight over the trivial things that didn't mean anything in the end.

Your mom, Caroline and Les would probably call and then come over to the apartment themselves tonight, making sure that you were alright. Caroline would most likely never let you out of her sight again. She'd probably plead for us to come back to their house and spend the night. I could see it now: you and I trying to sleep on the couch and Aidan sleeping on the floor. The next morning we'd have breakfast together and your dad would stop by and join us. We'd all smile and laugh, enjoying each other's company, but in the back of our minds, praying for the families whose loved ones didn't come home. It'd never escape me again how close I'd come to losing you and how I'd never take you for granted again.

My face was wet with tears as I imagined how I would tell you how much I loved you from now on. For every time I didn't say it, _I love you _I repeated in my head on a loop. You're the love of my life. I can't do this without you, so be walking towards me now and not flying away. My hands shook at my sides as I wanted to yell at you to run, hoping that you'd hear me. There was no way that tower would still be standing by sunset tonight. Architects weren't that good.

No sooner did the thought cross my mind than a black dot in the sky was sailing above the surrounding buildings. The distinct shape of an airplane became clearer as it careened its way into the neighboring tower. My stomach turned nauseous, hoping that it would somehow miraculously gain height and fly above the buildings bloomed in my head. All hope was lost as an explosion so loud I was sure Aidan and I would suffer some amount of hearing loss, boomed from the tower.

"Holy fuck!" Aidan yelled as I screamed and doubled over. This shit happened in movies, didn't it? Not in real life. That was it! I was dreaming. It was a fucked up thing to be dreaming about, but that had to be it. I would open my eyes, roll over and see your naked back lying beside me. You'd be lying on your stomach and I'd pull myself over to you, kiss your cheek and you'd awaken, asking me what was wrong. I'd burrow my way into your arms and tell you nothing, because it would be the truth. Your skin would feel so good and warm against mine as my breathing would calm and I'd close my eyes, wanting to be nowhere else than where I was right now. Any moment now, this would be my reality rather than the fucked up picture I was seeing now.

I looked back up, seeing two towers on fire instead of one. _Tyler Keats Hawkins, your ass better be running out of that building right fucking now._ How is this even happening?

My mouth opened in a panic and I gasped, as the realization of my dad on those streets somewhere seeped its way into my brain. There was one thing my dad loved more than being a cop: me. I knew he was down there. I knew it in the pit of my stomach and in the marrow of my bones. His job was his life and I knew that he was doing something, anything to try to help. I could hear the sirens of the fire trucks blaring more distinctly now as I thought of the many men and women who were undoubtedly running towards the buildings as its morning occupants fled. I looked around and saw other people on top of their roofs, wanting nothing more than to turn away, but being physically unable to like we were.

A woman was holding her toddler on her hip, another teenage girl on her phone, an old man shaking his head back and forth in disbelief, two women hugging and crying into each other's shoulders, a middle aged man crossing himself like the Catholics did. I felt comforted that somebody else was turning to God right now. No better time than right now.

_God, if you're real, get Tyler, Charles and my dad home safely tonight. Please. You took my mom from me; please don't let any of them have to join her. Please. _

Black smoke was billowing against the sky, polluting the rich blue background. There was a chunk gone from the side of the building, the shape of the airplane causing my stomach to turn nauseous. Was this Armageddon? Was this that Y2K bullshit that everyone was so worried about New Years Day last year?

My shoulders were shaking back and forth; Aidan running his hands through his hair, trying to distract or comfort himself, I'm not sure. I hadn't cried this hard since my mom had been shot in front of me, not even when my dad slapped me for staying the night out of the house without a phone call. How ironic that the person responsible for that slap was now the person standing beside me witnessing this horror with me?

New York is never quiet. Ever. The sounds were magnified today – people muttering words of disbelief, sirens blazing as more fire trucks raced down the narrow streets, horns blaring as traffic was at a stop still. I looked down to see a college aged man taking a picture of the towers. I couldn't even be mad at him for doing it; he was probably documenting history as it was playing out in front of our eyes.

"Come on Tyler!" I heard Aidan shout when I looked over at him; his phone was back in his hands pressed towards his ear. He was trying to call you. I doubt he would get a signal, but I wouldn't discourage him from trying to reach you.

"Goddamn it." Aidan sobbed as he ended the call, but redialed a second later. I looked back towards the towers, such a beautiful landmark of our city now damaged and turned into a graveyard. I could imagine the towers moaning, as they tried to remain upright, tried to stand tall as they waited for firemen to put out the fire causing the damage.

"Answer the fucking phone!" I heard Aidan mutter as he looked down at his phone with a hard stare, looking like he wanted to shatter it. I stood there speechless, tears continuing to roll down my face until they ran under my chin or dripped onto my tank top. My cheeks felt like they were raw and burned, the salt no doubt leaving some discomfort in their path.

_I should have told you I loved you more _my brain conjured without my permission. _I should have told you not to be so hard on your dad; he loved you without always showing you._ _I should have told you how strong of a son you were to your mom and how great of a big brother you were to Caroline. _No, I'll get to tell you these things in person, as soon as you walk through that fucking door.

_I'll go to church every Sunday if you bring them home safely to me _I bargained to God. _I'll drag Tyler and Aidan along too _I threw in for extra measure. _I'll ask my dad to donate some of his paycheck to a nearby church if they walk out unharmed _I offered. _Just please let them be okay. _

People were getting out of taxi cabs, some on cell phones and others pointing and covering their mouths in shock in the street as the scene continued to unfold before us. I could see some of their mouths moving, but was unable to make out the words they were saying. Like any other New Yorker, I probably took the Twin Towers for granted everyday reaching up into our infamous skyline. They were a symbol of strength, of brotherhood, of resistance and now they were weakening. Surely the North Tower's fire could have been an accident, but how could somebody blatantly fly into the South Tower? It wasn't something you could just accidentally see at the last moment, unable to change the planes' course and steer, missing it at the last second. Unless…no. Someone wouldn't do this on purpose, would they? People were continuing to gather on neighboring rooftops, all of us unable to move from the spot we were rooted in.

I didn't trust my eyes as the South Tower moaned and gave way into itself. It fell to the street and erupted into a pile of debris and ash as my arm flew out to clutch Aidan's and he put both hands on his head in shock. This could not be happening. I knew that if the South Tower was gone, the North Tower was just about to show me its fate. I fell onto my knees, praying to God that you were out safely by now and hopefully running like hell with your dad away before the South Tower became no more.

Aidan's arms came around me, trying to bring me to my feet to stand. I leaned on him as he began pulling me back towards the door that gives way to the rooftop. My heart was galloping in my chest as I realized that he was trying to get me back to your – our – apartment.

"No, no, no!" I uselessly tried to shove his hands away, but he just held on tighter.

"We can't be here right now," he explained, staring into my eyes, his cheeks as wet with salt as mine surely were.

"I'm not leaving," I flat out refused as Aidan let me go and vanished into the building. I couldn't leave. I had to be here, on this roof, going through this with you. If you were still racing down the stairs or hopefully out of the tower by now, I couldn't be a coward and look away. Whatever you had to endure, I wanted to endure it with you. It's almost like I had to witness for myself that this was actually happening and I couldn't return to our apartment and start with the what ifs.

I stood there, alone now, turning myself to once again face the remaining tower. Your smile came to my mind then, your smile that I loved so much displaying itself on your face. Your laugh as Aidan shared way too much information about his past sex life. Your determination as you won me that huge ass panda that was still in my room at my dad's house. _We still have more memories to make, Tyler._ I pleaded, somehow wishing that you could hear my thoughts wherever you were.

Aidan touched my arm, pulling me out of my trance and handed me a cup of orange juice.

"You're shaking like a leaf, you're in shock. Drink that, Ally." He explained as he pulled over a yard chair for me to sit on. He wiped at his own eyes with his shirt sleeve, trying to hide the proof that he was as upset as I was. I wondered if that was his male ego bullshit. That ridiculous belief that men couldn't cry or show their emotions; that they had to be like statues through whatever they were feeling – grief, joy, happiness, anxiety, sadness. I wanted to tell him that it would all be fine, that you'd be coming through the front door in a matter of no time and how we'd sit around all day, watching the news coverage on television and eating dinner as we saw this day out. But I couldn't. Because if I did say that to him and it didn't come true, I would be broken. Shattered. Inconsolable. I knew the pain of losing a parent, but I'd be damned if I'd know the pain of losing my first love. My true love. _You're my heart, Tyler_. _You can't leave me alone in this big world without you. _

I drank the juice, the shaking in my hands ceasing but my heart still racing. I pictured you and your dad walking, his arm around your shoulders, giving you a pat on the back, your relationship changed forever now. The fighting and judgments would stop and the opportunity to build a relationship in the once shattered remains would present itself. Your dad would tell you he loved you before he returned to his home and you'd climb the stairs and join us on the rooftop. I'd kiss your neck as I sobbed into the place where it meets your shoulder, vowing to myself and to you that I'd never take you for granted again. Your hand would meet mine as you put your arm around my shoulders and we'd watch the fire burn out of the still standing tower. You'd tell me later that night about your experience escaping from it all and I'd silence you with a kiss and my hand in your hair, comforting you in a way that you showed me how. The next day Aidan would leave and we'd make love and I'd savor it, realizing how close I came to loosing you. You'd kiss my collarbones and I'd wrap my arms around your shoulders and nestle my leg against yours, taking our time, knowing we'd have all the time in the world.

I stood and rejoined Aidan, my eyes transfixed on the skyline that was now transformed forever. I shook my head in disbelief, wishing with everything in me that this wasn't real. _Let him walk through that door, God. Please. That's all I'm asking. _

My mind subconsciously thought back to the time I came home to find you standing defeated by the window. You told me my dad had been in the apartment and you spilled the truth of the real motivation behind asking me out. I had never been so hurt in my life. You betrayed me, my trust; you hid details from me that I never thought I'd be able to forgive you for. I remember feeling the sting on my palm as I slapped you and the satisfying sound it made throughout the apartment. I stormed away, happy that I had at least inflicted some amount of pain on you that you had just laid on me.

I had no other option but to leave, to retreat back to my dad's place, my tail between my legs as I knew he would let me come back home. I despised you in that moment. I hated that you hadn't initially shown an interest in me for me and only did when Aidan goaded you into seeking revenge on my dad. But all was forgiven in a matter of days as I realized how deeply I had fallen in love with you. I would gladly take that slap back now if I'd had known where I would be standing now. _All is forgiven Tyler_. I thought. _I still love you_.

Aidan flipped his cell phone shut as I realized that he tried calling you again. A tear leaked out of the corner of his eye, telling me I had no need to ask because I knew the truth. He used his sleeve to wipe it away as he looked over at me, probably making sure I wasn't about to pass out. Just when I figured that I was all cried out, my tear ducts produced a new batch of tears that bathed my face as I sobbed. My hand rose to cover my mouth, trying to stifle the noises that escaped. It's a wonder I didn't dry heave or vomit from the sobs that were wracking my entire body.

All of those poor people who thought today was just an ordinary, regular day. All of those husbands who kissed their wives before they left this morning, all those wives who thanked their taxi driver and paid him before heading into those buildings. All those sisters who caught up with a coworker while pouring a cup of coffee and all those brothers who sat bored in a meeting wishing they were watching a sports game instead. All of those daughters who were flight attendants on a plane this morning and all those sons who were passengers on those planes. All of the nieces who were typing at their computers, answering phones and setting up meetings, all those nephews who were in the middle of the breakfast time rush in Windows on the World. All those grandchildren, jotting down a memo so they wouldn't forget an important date. Every grandparent who had pictures of their grandchildren adorned on their desk and who bragged about them to co-workers and clients. All the aunts who reapplied their lipstick in the bathroom and the uncles who reviewed bank statements. All those friends who made lunch plans to catch up or complain about their workload. Just an ordinary morning. Now turned upside down by this event. In the second it took for those planes to hit the towers, their families' lives were changed forever. All of those people with a life, a family, a love, a story, a goal, a job, a home, a desire, a dream, a soul, gone.

I forced my mind to turn from that train of thought because that wasn't you. That didn't apply to you. You were coming home. For all I knew, you were standing in our apartment now, wondering where Aidan and I were. You'd yell out our names and we'd hear you and run to meet you in the hallway. This was what would happen. I'd probably spend the rest of the day crying as you told me it was alright and that you were safe. I'd probably panic the next time you left the apartment, like I did with my dad after my mom died.

To my horrified realization, I saw the North Tower mimic the South Tower and slowly start to cave in towards its center and fall. I screamed as Aidan started pacing the length of the rooftop. For the millionth time today, I wished I could wake up. My shortness of breath would probably freak you out at first, but once I took in my surroundings and you were in your bed with me, I'd be alright. God, I wished for that to be true. But I knew.

In that second that the steel turned into a dust cloud and chased people in the street ways like an outstretched hand, I knew. You were fucking gone. Your soul sprouted wings and took flight towards Heaven as you joined Michael in the next life. I knew he was your hero and you were reunited. The part of my brain that hadn't even let me consider this as a possibility was now all I could focus on. I turned to God for one last plea, begging Him to let this one last thing come true. _Please let Tyler take some part of me back to my mom._

I hit the rooftop floor then, my elbows joining my knees on the ground as I sobbed into the concrete. I felt Aidan's hand on my back as he too screamed expletives and continued crying with me.

Your soul was now free from this world. It was no longer be dragged down by the sadness of the loss of your brother, of your survivor's guilt for his passing, the exhausting attempts you made to be the son your father wanted. A very small part of me was comforted by the fact that Michael was probably there to greet you when you finished your departure. You were together now, as it should be, the older brother guiding the younger one.

I hoped you could see us from where you were in the clouds, the devastating forms that were Aidan and I as I gave up and laid on the rooftop. Proof for you of how loved you were and how missed you would be. I wished for nothing more than to be with you in this moment. My dad would be alright without me. It was I who wouldn't be alright without you.

I instantly felt guilty for my thoughts, knowing my dad wouldn't truly ever be alright at the passing of his wife and daughter. I vowed that I'd try to live my life for you now like I had with my mom, trying to make you both proud. I succumbed to the grief as I whispered I love you one last time. I hoped you heard it, though I gladly would have said it a thousand more times, for every time I didn't tell you.

Tyler Keats Hawkins, I've loved you since you took me in. And now I'd love you until I could join you again. Say hi to my mom for me. I hope you'll be waiting for me when my time comes. I'll walk towards you and we can be together again.

**AN: This was extremely difficult for me to write. I had a very hard time getting into Ally's headspace and staying there. **

**Originally I never wanted to write any Remember Me fanfiction because I knew in my heart that I'd never be able to do it justice. Remember Me was one of my favorite movies released in 2010; one that I cried to the first time I saw it in theaters. I still cry when I watch it. In fact, I think to this day I've watched it once and not cried. I didn't want to even consider touching it because that story was told the way it was meant to be told through Allen Coulter, Will Fetters, Nick Osborne, Robert Pattinson, Emilie de Ravin and the rest of the cast. **

**But then the TV Guide Network began showing it in the past few months and I relived just how much I loved the movie. Then March 12****th**** marked the four year anniversary of its theatrical release. I've watched Remember Me probably at least fifty times and each time I seem to think something different about one part or another. I like that it's one of those movies where every time I watch it, I gain a new perspective on a particular scene. Ally and Aidan having to experience that traumatic event together got me to thinking about Ally and one thing led to another and now you've read the product of that train of thought. **

**I hope that this fanfiction doesn't ruin anything about Remember Me for you, but rather gives you a new perspective to think about the next time you watch it. I'm not a New Yorker, so I have no idea where buildings are located in proximity to one another. But if you remember the Ally and Aidan shot, Ally seems to be looking up more than she seems to be looking straight out, which led me to think that their apartment was closer to the Twin Towers than farther away. **

**I am in no way associated with anything Remember Me related, whether through Summit Entertainment or anyone involved with the movie. I think a small part of me wanted to contribute something to let the spirit of Tyler's soul live on, so I hope that's what I accomplished by writing this. **

**If you've taken all that time to read this, please consider leaving me a review. Whether you loved the movie and hated this or loved both, I'd like to hear your feedback. Remember Me is one of those movies that I could quite literally talk about for days, so don't be shy if you want to possibly get a conversation going. **

**And finally, if you are unfortunately one of those people who lost someone on that tragic morning, my deepest sympathy goes out to you. I cannot even fathom what it must have like to grieve privately, yet alone had to grieve along with the entire country. Please know that your loved ones are not forgotten, nor will they ever be. May they all rest in peace. **


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